Unfinished Conversations….

Let him be.. in a corner of your mind – the keeper of your memories.

You are scared. Scared that the memories will fade away and you will no longer remember how it felt and what he meant..and so, you revisit them – again, again and again.

And you get stuck… like in a mire – unable to move on, unable to hold on.

Why do you worry, why do you obsess, why are you scared? They are after all your memories – not his, not anybody else’s. And just like the old, jaded photos of your childhood, they may fade a little bit and dull a little bit with the passing time.. but will look more lovely and precious then, than now.

So go through them now, if you want.. one piece of memory after the next, pore your heart’s eyes, catching every small detail of the picture in your brain, then stack them all together, seal it in your secret box and store it away for a very, very long time. I know it hurts and I know it aches, but don’t you fear… for I will sit with you here and together we will get this done.

The piercing brown eyes..the unruly hair; the gait, the stride, the scars. Flashes – move like lightning inside the mind. White, Black, Stripes… The flick of the head, the blinking of the eyes, the wave of the hand.. The sound, the intonations. The glance, the stare, the look … expressions – of different moods and different times.

The different smiles – the impish one, the dirty one, the lying one, the “I-don’t-want-to-smile” one and then.. the real one.. reaching till those brown eyes, and reflecting from them. Making every scar, every line look beautiful.

The touch, the smell, the feeling inside – never felt before, never to feel again. Like a mirage, a dream… now here and then where?

The words, the moments, the unfinished conversations – once, twice, several.. fake for him and real for you. Lasting – till eternity.

Stack them all and tie it up. Wrap them up and close the box. Hide it now, in that corner of your mind. Seal the doors and padlock it. Throw the key and walk away.

And years later, when you have climbed your hills and weathered your storms; when it’s time to sit back and reminisce for long, then if you want come and take the key from me. To open the sealed doors and your little chest.

And yes, it will all still be there… like a stack of black and white photographs..tied together with an old red rubber band.

Faded and glowing of a time long past, of memories cherished, things unsaid and conversations unfinished…

 

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Thank You Fellow Bloggers, Every One Of You..

When I started this blog 20 days ago, I was not exactly in the best shape.

I walked out of an extremely abusive marriage 2 years ago. Living more than a decade with a completely malignant narcissistic family had broken me and destroyed every fiber of self-esteem and self respect inside me. I was just a hollow, bleeding and aching shell.

I suffered from panic attacks, severe bouts of anxiety and deep depression.

It took all the strength inside me, my love towards my little girl and a lot of support from my Dad, Mom to take on every day.

An introvert and a quiet person by nature, the people who “think” they know me, label me arrogant and boring. They judge me without caring to find out anything about me.

Yes, I am a quiet person and I prefer to mind my own business. I do not gossip or spread stories. But if you care to know me, you will find a very warm and sensitive person, a loyal friend, with a dry sense of humor. Nobody really wanted to find that out.

I did not look like fun… so it was decided that I was not fun to be with.

I was so tired, so very tired… of being rejected, labelled, discarded, judged, criticized.

There is this deep hole inside me which kept getting bigger, bigger and bigger. And I ached so badly that at times I felt I would go crazy.

I have often heard that “once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up”.

And that’s what happened to me… all in a matter of a couple of days.

I was going through one of my dark days of depression, where my head and heart felt numb and heavy and no positive thinking or mantras were helping me. And I reached out to someone I thought would understand.

I got a response “Your depression is an obsession. You are just obsessed with it”

I felt sucker-punched. As if someone had hit me right in the center of my gut. Tell me – anyone out there who battles depression, how happily obsessed are you with it? Only one who has gone through it knows how helpless and hopeless one feels when it takes hold of you.

I was too shell-shocked to react.

As I sat numb, trying to internalize what I was feeling, something flipped inside me… just like that.

And I thought, if the people who “think” they know me don’t want to hear me, I will talk to the hundreds and thousands out there in this vast world.

I began to write, putting my thoughts into words, out here talking to each one of you… to all of you.

And you responded – without judgement, with open hearts and minds… reading and accepting me as I am, just the way I am. You followed me because you liked what I wrote and you liked my posts, for what I put in there.

How  can I express how grateful I feel towards each one of you?

Let me just tell you that I haven’t had a single episode of anxiety attack or depression from the day I posted my first post here. I still have a vacuum inside me, but it does not ache like before. I feel sad but not for long. And every time I feel lonely I come here.

Thank You… every one of you out there… all of you mean so much to me… you have helped me see light at the end of a dark cave which I despaired would never end

 

 

And I set you free.. (poem)

Look into my eyes and try to read my heart

You’ll know you were wrong right from the start

Give ear to my feelings not the words that I say

You’ll know I would not harm in any way.

 

Why is it that you push me away so?

What did I do wrong I really want to know.

The hurt that I feel seeps through me

Why is it that my love you just cannot see?

 

I place no demands, no rules, and no commands

To have you in my life is my only reward.

My dreams are dead and my desires smothered

There’s just a little bit of soul that’s not yet withered.

 

Don’t judge me by the rules the world’s set by

There’s more to me that to know you’ll never try

Let me live, let me love, let me be

And please remember you are always free.

“Shiny Kesavan”

 

Living without expectations – why I think it is BS….

“Live without expectations, and you will not be disappointed” says junta. This seems to be the single mantra for  peace, happiness, salvation and everything beyond.

While it all sounds right and ideal, practically – I think it is a load of BS.

Let me tell you why.

Every one of us belonging to the species of homo-sapiens have bonds..in some way, in some form.

Mother, father, siblings, children, grandparents, spouse, best buddy, favorite aunt, dearest uncle, that cousin, this neighbor,pets… someone, anyone. Every one of us love someone, in some form.

And with love comes trust, and with trust…comes expectation…unsaid, unexpressed expectations.

It is there, right there..inside each one of us. When the love and trust is strong and deep on either side, we are unaware that we really do have these expectations. We notice it only if the routine breaks…

I know, that deep inside my mind, I expect the unconditional love of my Dad, Mom and my little girl. I expect that my Dad will come to the door every morning when I leave for office. I expect that every evening, as soon as my daughter returns from school she calls out “Mom, where are you?”. I expect that every time I go to my Mom with my thousand “issues”, she patiently hears me out.

And these happen, every day, without fail, and I am not aware that I expect anything from them.

Sit back and think, don’t we all have some form of expectation from the ones that we love?

Think back to the relationships and friendships which went sour, love gone north and trust betrayed. They were all a failure of expectation in some way.

Everything is an expectation.

Love, trust, loyalty, faith, commitment – aren’t these all a form of expectation? Expectations that comes naturally in any relationship between two human beings.

When you are asked to live without expectations from anyone, it is like asking a person to not trust or bond with anyone. A life devoid of authenticity and emotions. And that I believe is such a shallow way to live.

I would rather say, place your trust on people with extreme care. Be courageous and vulnerable (yes ..that sounds contradictory but true), and be genuine in all that you do. Love with all your heart.

But before you love others, learn to first love yourself – completely and deeply. For when you love and trust yourself and you are there to fulfill every expectation of yours, the relationships you form will also be with the ones who love you as deep as you.

 

 

 

 

 

“Forrest Gump” – and the definition of love

There was a time when “Forrest Gump” was my favorite movie of all times. (It still has my favorite scene of all times)

I was a die-hard romantic then. It was a time when I believed in “true love”. I thought that there were men out there who would actually care for you and love you, no matter what..and I believed in a love that lasted forever.

I loved the way Forrest adored Jenny, loved her through all the downs (I don’t think they had any ups together), and his love for her- solid, enduring, non-judgmental and unadulterated by anything and anyone.

I loved it all, till one day, it suddenly dawned on me that Forrest loved Jenny the way he did – because Forrest was not “normal”.

Forrest did not think like a normal adult man.

Forrest thought and loved – like a “child”.

And that’s why his love was the way it was – non-judgmental, constant and completely free of bias. Pure and pristine – as a child’s love.

Normal men cannot love like him, after all. Their love is more a weighing in, a judgement and decision on the basis of what they’re gaining vs what they’re giving. Heart and emotions have very little role to play in their decisions. Falling in love could be an impulse, staying in love and committing to it is more a business judgement. Nothing much clouds their rational mind, as they weigh their options without emotion and decide if they are gaining financially, socially and egoistically from the match. And when they decide it is not, they have no trouble in falling out of love – with ease, without heartache, without pain. And they move on – like it never happened.

Today, I am a cynic and I no longer crush on anything romantic.

I still love to watch Forrest Gump, whenever it plays on TV…and tear up over my favorite scene ( where he first meets his son and is overwhelmed that “he” has a son and is then scared if his son has taken after him).

While before I would say “It is so nice to be loved like that..”, now I know better.

I know that being blessed with love like that of a child is more precious than being loved by any man on earth. Believe me..I know it first-hand..And I thank God every day for my little girl and the pure love she showers me with.

 

Every shade of love…all around me.

Today, I went looking for love. I thought I will have to seek for it… like a miner looking for gold, peering closely at every grain of life that passes by me.

But I was wrong.

My mind was in fact so wrapped around all that was negative, that I had failed to see that there was so much love… every shade of love… all around me.

In those moments at night, when the lights are off, and my little girl (who is perfectly wild at me.. for what.. we both don’t remember) snuggles close, her warm body pressed to me, and tells me – “Mummy.. I love you”.

In the hot cup of tea and food that my Mom quietly places in front of my grumpy face..as I sit there stewing, thinking about my shitty day at office.

In the attentiveness , as my Dad checks my medicine box to make sure my iron capsule bottle is not empty, and the mosquito repellent is switched on.

In the hearty shouts with which the little boys of my building greet me, as I enter the gate.

In the smile and greeting that the security guard gives me every morning, as I enter my office dreading the day ahead.

In the halting words of the old lady across the street, who insists on talking to me, though neither of us do understand each others’ language.

In the toothless grin of the little girl I saw on top of the tree in the park today, when alarmed, I signed her to come down…

In so many nameless moments, shared by so many passing nameless faces, leaving behind a little goodness, a little love.

And why was I picking up and saving every hurt and every rejection in my jar of memories?   Leaving no space for the little acts of love all around me?  Today, as I let this love seep through me, I feel so calm, and so much at peace… and so much in love, with the world and with myself.

No Good? (a poem)

My heart is heavy, my eyes are tired

My thoughts are all totally mired

I am so fed-up and I feel so old

“You are no good”, I am so often told.

 

I threw my dreams, I dumped my plans

I lost it all like in a clap of hands

“It’s all worth it”, oh! I was so wrong

“You are no good”, I am tired of this song.

 

I was beaten and pushed, stamped and spat on

Below their feet is my place I was shown

Threatened and hurt, I was their whipped dog

“You are no good”, my eyes cloud in a fog.

 

I want to throw it all out and just walk away

Turn back time and never come this way

Today I stand beaten, tired and down

“You are no good”, is the only caption I own.

 

I go on my knees and pray to the Lord

Grant me peace and courage and strength to hoard

Please give me the guts to stand up and say

“I am damn good in every way!”

  • Shiny Kesavan

 

 

 

 

A Hundred Thousand Dreams (a poem)

 

I’ve a hundred thousand dreams, and just only one life to live.

Oh Lord, I need a life to spare, can you please give?

Is it only an extra life that you need, the kind Lord asked me

I beg for my love to share my life and live my dreams with me.

 

The Lord smiled and asked me to come sit by

Tell me your dreams, now don’t cry

What is it that you want to share with him?

Be happy and tell me, don’t look so grim

 

Oh! Where do I start, and what all do I tell??

I smiled at God, as the tears still fell

I want to be a part of his laughter and tears

Share his joys, his dreams, his hopes and his fears

 

I want to hold hands with him on the beach

Climb mountains so high where the stars I can reach

Cross the fields and watch the birds fly so high

Laugh and love under the wide open sky

 

Snuggled in his arms watch movies at night

Hear music and songs under a starry night

Talk to him a hundred million things

Give my thoughts and dreams wide wings

 

Hug him close after a long and hard day

I would love him so much, oh what can I say

Lord do you know, he would speak with his eyes

Have you seen him do that, it’s really so nice.

 

We would fight and be annoyed with one another

But then would love and make-up like no other

We would face the rough and smooth alike together

When we had each other, why look further?

 

I can listen to his silences for hours and days

For even in quiet there’s a lot he says

Oh Lord please give me just one more life to live

See Oh Lord… there’s so much I can give.

 

The Lord smiled at me as I wiped my eyes

Let me check my child whether I have extra lives

I will give you one to live your dreams through

And of course the one you love, so true

 

I laughed and hugged the Lord like a friend

What a great way for the day to end

 

Let me wait for the time when my dreams come true

Let me wait for the time I will live with you.

 

Shiny Kesavan