When I started this blog 20 days ago, I was not exactly in the best shape.
I walked out of an extremely abusive marriage 2 years ago. Living more than a decade with a completely malignant narcissistic family had broken me and destroyed every fiber of self-esteem and self respect inside me. I was just a hollow, bleeding and aching shell.
I suffered from panic attacks, severe bouts of anxiety and deep depression.
It took all the strength inside me, my love towards my little girl and a lot of support from my Dad, Mom to take on every day.
An introvert and a quiet person by nature, the people who “think” they know me, label me arrogant and boring. They judge me without caring to find out anything about me.
Yes, I am a quiet person and I prefer to mind my own business. I do not gossip or spread stories. But if you care to know me, you will find a very warm and sensitive person, a loyal friend, with a dry sense of humor. Nobody really wanted to find that out.
I did not look like fun… so it was decided that I was not fun to be with.
I was so tired, so very tired… of being rejected, labelled, discarded, judged, criticized.
There is this deep hole inside me which kept getting bigger, bigger and bigger. And I ached so badly that at times I felt I would go crazy.
I have often heard that “once you hit the bottom, the only way to go is up”.
And that’s what happened to me… all in a matter of a couple of days.
I was going through one of my dark days of depression, where my head and heart felt numb and heavy and no positive thinking or mantras were helping me. And I reached out to someone I thought would understand.
I got a response “Your depression is an obsession. You are just obsessed with it”
I felt sucker-punched. As if someone had hit me right in the center of my gut. Tell me – anyone out there who battles depression, how happily obsessed are you with it? Only one who has gone through it knows how helpless and hopeless one feels when it takes hold of you.
I was too shell-shocked to react.
As I sat numb, trying to internalize what I was feeling, something flipped inside me… just like that.
And I thought, if the people who “think” they know me don’t want to hear me, I will talk to the hundreds and thousands out there in this vast world.
I began to write, putting my thoughts into words, out here talking to each one of you… to all of you.
And you responded – without judgement, with open hearts and minds… reading and accepting me as I am, just the way I am. You followed me because you liked what I wrote and you liked my posts, for what I put in there.
How can I express how grateful I feel towards each one of you?
Let me just tell you that I haven’t had a single episode of anxiety attack or depression from the day I posted my first post here. I still have a vacuum inside me, but it does not ache like before. I feel sad but not for long. And every time I feel lonely I come here.
Thank You… every one of you out there… all of you mean so much to me… you have helped me see light at the end of a dark cave which I despaired would never end